


you're never lost at sea

by kat777



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Guilt, House of Hades Spoilers, M/M, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content, Minor Character Death, Multiple Suicide Attempts, Not Canon Compliant, Self-Acceptance, Self-Loathing, Slow Build, Suicidal Thoughts, mentioned Internalized Homophobia, temporary Nico/OMCs, temporary Percabeth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-27
Updated: 2014-03-15
Packaged: 2018-01-13 22:17:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1242589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kat777/pseuds/kat777
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The second time he tries to kill himself, Percy doesn’t talk his ear off, just gives him an ultimatum—he can either come live with Percy and Annabeth in their apartment in New Rome, or Percy will tell Hazel what he’s done.</p><p>Nico pictures the devastated look on her face, the tears welling up in her eyes, her lips trembling and pressed in a thin line.</p><p>Percy says he has a choice, and it makes Nico laugh for the first time since the battle at the House of Hades, because it’s no choice at all.</p><p>OR, Nico attempts suicide, Percy saves him, and years pass before either of them are even remotely all right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I've been seeing a lot of 'Nico tries to commit suicide and Percy saves him' fics lately, and the ones I read were all really wonderful and heartbreaking and sometimes even heartwarming, but I don't remember seeing any that really delved into the long-term aftermath, and I just kept thinking about what would happen afterwards because I can't picture Nico immediately letting go of all his issues, and, well, here I am posting this fic.
> 
> In case anyone didn’t read the tags: trigger warning for MULTIPLE SUICIDE ATTEMPTS and suicidal thoughts, as well as warnings for self-loathing, mentioned internalized homophobia (though not in the first chapter), mild sexual content, mild language, two minor (in the context of this fic, that is) character deaths (Leo, sort of, and Frank), and SPOILERS for _House of Hades ___.
> 
> I don’t own the PJO or HoO series, Rick Riordan does. The title of this fic and the lyrics at the beginning and middle of each chapter are from Emma-Lee’s song I Could Live with Dying Tonight. (I don’t think this counts as a songfic? This story will be divided into six parts and the lyrics are just sort of there to indicate a new part. Also the lyrics aren’t in order, I just put them where I thought they most fit.)

He hasn’t even been fifteen for a day when he tries to kill himself. In retrospect, suicide by drowning was perhaps not the best method—particularly not drowning in the lake within reach of any camper who might be taking a walk along the deserted part of the beach in the middle of the night because they couldn’t sleep.

Percy pulls him out the water coughing and spluttering, and then pulls the water out of his lungs without even a flick of his wrist. He asks Nico, “Why,” in this pained voice like he actually gives a damn whether Nico lives or dies.

That thought _infuriates_ Nico to the point where he retorts, “Not like anyone would care either way,” and doesn’t even feel bad when it comes out sounding like an accusation.

Percy drags him back to his cabin and forces him to sit down on his bed and listen as the older boy goes on and on about how he was wrong, plenty of people would care, Percy especially, and what about Hazel, and wasn’t he friends with Jason, and Annabeth—

When her name comes up, that’s when Nico just shuts down. He crawls under the covers, on his side facing away from the son of Poseidon, not because he wants to sleep but because he wants to get away from Percy’s gaze, worried and confused and—worst of all—determined.

If he pretends Percy’s not there, eventually he’ll leave, right? It’s just a matter of time. A waiting game.

At some point Nico drifts off against his will, and when he wakes Percy is still there, sitting on the floor with his arms folded on the edge of the bed and his head pillowed on his arms. Nico watches him for several moments, until Percy stirs and then jerks upright, looking pissed with himself like he wasn’t supposed to have fallen asleep.

Like he tried to stay awake all night, guarding over Nico.

Nico rolls back over so he doesn’t have to look at him, because despite this being the most sleep he’s had in months, he finds he’s just too tired right now to get angry.

.

The thing is, it doesn’t solve anything. It doesn’t make Nico feel any better, to know that there’s someone—more than one person, even, though he doesn’t like to admit it—who will pull up when he goes under. It just makes him angrier, because Percy only cares out of some twisted sense of obligation that spawns from his leftover guilt over Bianca.

So Nico tries again. Not drowning, this time— this time he tries mortal pills from a drugstore, and he shadow travels far away from both Camp Half-Blood and Camp Jupiter to an abandoned warehouse where no one will find him, surely.

When he wakes up, he’s not in the waiting room with the dead, he’s in a hospital. The doctors tell him he’s lucky his friend found him in time.

His _friend_?

Percy Jackson, they tell him. Would Nico like to see him? He’s waiting outside with his dog.

His dog. Mrs O’Leary, of course, that’s how Percy got to him in time.

Gods _damn_ it.

.

This time, Percy doesn’t talk his ear off, just gives him an ultimatum—he can either come live with Percy and Annabeth in their apartment in New Rome, or Percy will tell Hazel what he’s done.

Nico pictures the devastated look on her face, the tears welling up in her eyes, her lips trembling and pressed in a thin line.

Percy says he has a choice, and it makes Nico laugh for the first time since the battle at the House of Hades, because it’s no choice at all.

.

Living with them is the worst, Percy for obvious reasons and Annabeth… It’s not that he hates her or anything. In fact, a lot of the problem is that he _doesn’t_ hate her, _can’t_ hate her, and he needs to hate someone but he can’t truly hate Percy either so at whom does he end up directing that loathing? Himself.

So it’s not that he hates her, no, but it’s certainly not that he likes ( _like_ -likes, that is) her either, as Percy seems to believe. Annabeth seems to believe it as well—at first.

But it only takes a month for her to piece together all the little moments her shrewd eyes pick up on—the times when Nico catches Percy curled up on the couch like a cat (he sleeps there, most nights, starts off in his and Annabeth’s bedroom but grows restless and ends up moving to the couch, for reasons Nico tries not to analyze), or when they’re eating and Percy inevitably slops whatever the meal is down his front (honorable mention: Annabeth’s entire Valentine’s Day breakfast-in-bed platter, coffee and eggs and buttered toast and pancakes with syrup and all, Nico’s pretty sure the stains are never coming out); times like that, and Nico tries but he just doesn’t get his guard up in time.

She fits the puzzle together, steps back from it and—does nothing. Absolutely nothing. She doesn’t confront him, doesn’t tell Percy.

But the next time she catches him gazing at a sleeping Percy with an unknowingly tender expression, she lays a hand on his shoulder and squeezes gently. The next time Percy spills his spaghetti all over himself and Nico has to duck his head to hide his smile, he looks up to find her surreptitiously raising her wine glass to him.

Annabeth Chase is far too observant, is the problem.

She’s also more than a little wonderful.

.

Percy remains oblivious, which is downright impressive considering how much attention he pays to Nico. He watches Nico like a hawk at times (he tries to be covert, of course, but whatever he believes he’s completely without success), and whenever Nico speaks (which isn’t often) he listens intently. Even when he’s not the one Nico’s speaking to.

_Especially_ when he’s not the one Nico’s speaking to.

“That was a private conversation,” Nico tells him, irritated, after catching Percy eavesdropping on one of his Iris Messages.

Percy stands his ground, asks him who with, he didn’t recognize that guy, he looked kinda shady.

A friend, Nico bites back, is he not allowed to have those? Isn’t that what Percy wants, for him to make some friends like a _normal_ human being so Percy can dump him on them and go back to living his perfect life without some scrawny fucked up kid butting in—

The next thing he knows they’re screaming back and forth and Nico has to make a concentrated effort to not throw a punch. The argument escalates, until Percy snaps something so hurtful Nico can’t just brush it off and go for the throat in return; all he can do is spin on his heel and crash through his bedroom door, slam it shut behind him and collapse against it, because it’s true, Bianca _would_ be ashamed of the wreck he’s become.

Barely a minute later, there’s a knock on the door, and Percy’s hoarse voice apologizing, saying he didn’t mean it, it’s not true—but it is, it is, _it is_ —he’s just so worried, he _didn’t mean it_ , Nico _please_ —

A choked sob escapes Nico. There are more rising up in his throat, and he presses his hands to his mouth and fights to hold them back.

Then he hears Percy settle on the floor, back against the wooden barrier between them, and he loses that battle.

.

Later, long after Annabeth comes home, after he hears Percy explain the situation to her in a hushed voice, after he hears her harshly reprimand Percy and tell him to give Nico some space, after she takes her boyfriend’s place by the door and whispers soothing lies to Nico for nearly half an hour before leaving him be—long after all of that, Nico slips out of his room as silently as possible.

Percy was right to find the man Nico had contacted shady—he was; but the important part is, he can supply Nico with a poison that will stop his heart before Percy even has a hope of finding him, let alone saving him.

He’s going to meet up with that man right now, join his father in the Underworld permanently before dawn breaks, but there’s a flaw in his plan.

Percy’s on the couch again tonight.

.

Percy’s watching a black-and-white movie play on his currently muted TV with bleary eyes, but he shuts it off when he notices Nico.

The seconds drag on, turning into minutes, as they stay frozen in that tableau—Percy on the couch, Nico barely a foot out his door, just staring at each other, neither speaking—until finally Nico takes a few uncertain steps closer to the couch and says, “You know I could’ve shadow travelled right out of my bedroom and you wouldn’t have noticed?”

Yes, Percy knows, he tells Nico, but maybe he wanted to see just how badly Nico wants to leave. Or maybe he just needs to do this for the sake of his own sanity.

Nico gets mad at that, at the thought that Percy _needs_ to be between him and the front door so much he loses sleep over it, because if he doesn’t get mad he might actually feel cared for. And he might start to wonder if maybe the reason he _didn’t_ just shadow travel right out of his room is that he wanted to see just how badly Percy wants him to stay.

(And he might start to see that the answer is _very badly_ and he can’t handle that, he just can’t.)

Percy can’t keep him here, Nico snarls, not in this apartment and not in the land of the living.

But Percy just looks at him, almost pitying, because they both know he can. He doesn’t seem to understand why, but of course he knows by now that there’s almost nothing he can’t get Nico to do.

“I can,” Percy says, voicing the truth. “But… I won’t.”

Before Nico can do anything more than start at that, Percy hurriedly adds, “I mean, just the first part. I won’t keep you in this apartment. Because keeping you alive, Nico—that’s non-negotiable. It’s necessary, but it’s also not enough. I want you to be happy, and if there’s anything I’ve learned in the past three months, it’s that you’re not happy here.”

Nico can hardly believe he’s free to go, can hardly believe that Percy is foolish enough not to assume that the first thing Nico will do after getting out of here is kill himself.

The flaw in Nico’s plan this time is ultimately that same as the flaw in his previous one: Nico has always underestimated Percy’s determination to keep him safe.

.

Percy doesn’t make him promise; Percy makes him s _wear_. Makes him swear on the River Styx that he won’t kill himself. Makes him swear on the River Styx that he won’t do anything with the intention of getting himself killed.

There’s a loophole in there somewhere, Nico thinks, but Percy’s looking at him with tired and sad eyes as they exchange something akin to goodbyes, and he’s only halfway out the door when Percy calls him back.

Nico turns, and he’s immediatedly pulled into a hug. When he gives in to the urge to bury his face in the other boy’s shoulder, just for a moment, he smells sweat and deodorant and the sea.

He doesn’t hug back, doesn’t look back, but he’ll keep that scent—that moment, with Percy holding him so tight—with him wherever he goes.

* * *

After Nico leaves, Percy is hopeful things might get better—for both of them.

Well, he doesn’t know about Nico, but things definitely aren’t better for Percy. The bone-deep worry that Nico will somehow circumvent his oaths, that Nico is lying dead in a ditch somewhere right now because Percy failed him _again_ —it won’t go away. It’s eating away at him slowly. Speaking of eating, he hardly does that any more. To be fair, he hardly does much of anything anymore, other than sit on the couch and worry himself sick, sometimes literally.

And it’s not like his sleeping habits have been anything but fucked up ever since Tartarus, but… Sleeping on the couch used to be just an occasional thing back before he found Nico drowning of his own volition, but ever since then it’s become a more and more frequent occurrence, until one day he abruptly realizes that he hasn’t even gone to bed with Annabeth in a month.

The day after this realization, nearly seven months after Nico left, Annabeth finally confronts him. And he tries—Gods, he _tries_ —but he just doesn’t have an answer for himself, let alone for her. He doesn’t know why he can’t let this go, he just knows he can’t.

He can’t let go of this, but he can’t hang on to all of it and Annabeth as well, it’s not fair to her.

So he lets Annabeth go instead.

.

For months and months afterwards, everything about her lingers. The scent of her: the soft floral perfume she wore; old books and ink; bread fresh out of the oven, courtesy of the café/bakery where she often had lunch; and underneath it all, a natural, earthy sort of smell from the woods where she liked to go running. The image of her sitting at their kitchen table with her laptop out, completely oblivious to everything else until he set a cup of coffee down in front of her and ducked his head to kiss her cheek. The memory of her spread out on their bed, blond curls splayed across the pillows, naked and so beautiful she couldn’t possibly be real and _wanting him_.

All the things he took for granted in their last few months together, he misses like crazy in the year following their breakup. But eventually, the ghost of their relationship stops haunting him, and he lets it go.

He still hasn’t let the ghost of his—whatever the Hades it was he had with Nico go, still _can’t_ let it go, and still, for the life of him, can’t figure out why.

When he mentions this to Annabeth after IMing her about the get-together Piper is planning for Christmas in a couple weeks (because she’s still the one he tells everything to, she’s still his Wise Girl and she always will be), she just sighs and says fondly, “You _Seaweed Brain_.”

.

Nico doesn’t show up for Christmas; Percy isn’t surprised, because he didn’t show up last year either, or the two years before that, though Hazel and Jason got in touch with him every time and practically begged him to come.

His absence isn’t quite the gaping hole Leo’s is, but it’s still noticeable to the others, and it still hurts them. As for Percy…well, he’s somehow gotten to the point where Nico’s absence constantly plagues him, it’s like a void that follows him wherever he goes and sucks out what little enjoyment he occasionally manages to feel, so yeah, damn right he notices.

And it hurts even more than Leo’s absence does, not because Percy doesn’t care about Leo, but because Leo isn’t here because he _can’t_ be here, while Nico isn’t here because he just doesn’t want to be, and thick as Percy is, he knows a lot of that is his fault.

Add it to the list of things he’ll probably never understand.

.

January 28, 2014. Nico’s 17th birthday. (Or like his 70th-plus birthday, if you want to be technical, which Percy really doesn’t because it makes his head hurt to think about.)

Last year, Percy attempted to bake a cake. He nearly burnt down his apartment. So this year, he just buys a cupcake from the café/bakery Annabeth used to frequent when she lived with him, sticks a candle in it, and thinks of a wish.

So what if it’s not his birthday? He’s not wishing for himself anyways; he’s wishing for Nico, for him to be happy, and maybe come home someday if that will make him so.

He makes his wish, blows out the candle, and hopes that wherever Nico is, he knows now he has people who love him.

.

Unbeknownst to Percy, Nico is at that very moment halfway around the world having his cock sucked by his boyfriend.

After Nico’s come, the boy crawls back up his body and kisses his neck and whispers, "I love you," and then whispers it again in his native tongue.

Nico doesn't say it back (doesn't feel it back), but he does believe it, and that's a helluva step forward from two years ago when he thought he was worthless and unloved to the point where he tried to take his own life.

As he drifts off to sleep in his boyfriend's arms, he starts to wonder if maybe it's time to visit the people he _does_ love.

.

Hazel drops everything the moment he arrives and runs to him, nearly knocking him flat with her hug. She's crying a little as she asks how has he been, _where_ has he been, when did he get so tall?

He hugs her back, and kisses her forehead, and he tells her what he's been up to.

Well. He tells her the G-rated version, at least.

When he comes out to her, she just hugs him tighter, and when Frank and Reyna show up and Nico decides to tell them too, she holds his hand the entire time.

.

Later, he goes for a walk in the streets of New Rome, looks around at all the places he went with Percy and Annabeth, thinks of all the good memories he had and how he took them for granted at the time.

All he feels is nostalgia, just the slightest trace of longing, so he's thinking maybe he should go see the couple and tell them how much he appreciates those memories now—

He catches sight of a familiar black-haired man stepping out of the cafe/bakery Annabeth used to take Nico to sometimes, and nearly throws up because all of the feelings he thought were gone are rushing back with just one glimpse of Percy Jackson's face.

He stumbles back into the shadows and gets the Hades out of there before Percy notices him.

He doesn't go to see Jason and the others at Camp Half-Blood like he planned to, just shadow travels back to his boyfriend and asks him to say it again.

"What?" His boyfriend laughs. "Say what again?"

That he loves Nico. Say it again, Nico commands him.

He does. He says it again and again and again, whispers it into Nico's neck, into his stomach, into his thigh. Whispers it as he comes inside Nico, and for the first time Nico says it back.

Nico says it back again and again and again, and he doesn't know who he's trying to convince: his boyfriend who will never be Percy, or himself.

.

He breaks up with his (now ex-)boyfriend a couple weeks later, because the boy deserves someone who can do more than pretend to love him, and surprisingly it's not the end of the world.

Because that boy loves Nico, but someday he'll love again.

And someday, surely, so will Nico.

.

Several months later, Nico’s in a pub in Ireland sulking because he’s dated three different guys since he broke up with that boy who loved him and he hasn’t been able to bring himself to feel anything other than mild affection for any of them. He must be cursed, doomed to hopelessly pine after Percy fucking Jackson for the rest of his days—

Someone bumps into his table, knocking over Nico’s coke bottle (he tried to order alcohol, but they asked for ID, damn them), and when he turns to yell at the person he finds a freckly brunette staring back at him with just about the bluest (and widest) eyes Nico’s ever seen.

He’s gripping the handle of a celestial bronze sword in his left hand, and when Nico glances over the stranger’s shoulder he spots an _Empousai_ wreaking havoc.

“Let me guess,” Nico says dryly. “Son of Hermes.”

The boy—or man, but he looks about Nico’s age—just gapes at him.

“Demeter? Apollo?” Aphrodite, maybe? Doubtful, given how he’s dressed. Hmm, really blue eyes... “Zeus?”

The guy doesn’t do much more than stammer at Nico in response, until Nico reminds him about the monster behind them.

They make short work of the _Empousai_ —well, Nico makes short work of it. Like, _really_ short work of it; he _may_ be showing off a little because this guy is cute, despite his overalls, and it’s been five weeks since Nico got laid.

Afterwards, when they’ve made their excuses to the pub owner and ran off, the boy introduces himself.

He’s a son of Iris, he says, blushing fiercely as Nico rakes his eyes over his new... _friend_. No, he’s never heard of Camp Half-Blood or Jupiter. What Giant War? He doesn’t remember hearing about that on the news. Nico’s a son of Hades? Wow, that’s so cool, he’s always wanted to meet a child of the Underworld, Hades is just the coolest, he’s the first Mythomagic figurine the boy ever got—

In short, Nico decides, this boy is _perfect_.

.

Later, Nico discovers his first impression is wrong. The boy isn’t anywhere near perfect: he steals the blankets during the night (like, _all_ of them), and he’s a little too fond of hickeys for Nico’s tastes (particularly _giving_ hickeys, to Nico’s horror), and he has an unholy love of pomegranates (Bad memories, Nico tells his new boyfriend, let’s just leave it at that, okay).

No, he’s not perfect, and he’s certainly not Percy, and the strangest thing is…Nico likes it that way. Sure, he wakes up feeling like an icicle some mornings, and yes, he’s had to add black scarves to his daily wardrobe, and okay, maybe the pomegranates really _are_ plotting his demise like he fears.

But. He has someone who drags him into a hot shower on those mornings and kisses him until he feels human again, someone who stands on their tiptoes and carefully drapes those scarves around his neck, someone who spends evenings with him coming up with elaborate schemes for defeating those pomegranates like they legitimately might declare war any day.

He has someone, period, and for the first time he’s actually considering letting someone have him, too.

.

“Come on, _Angel_ ,” Nico’s boyfriend murmurs. “Blow out the candles and make a wish.”

As he says the words, he gestures to the cake he bought from the bakery down the street. He wanted to bake one, he told Nico earlier, but between school and work and looking after his grandmother he just didn’t have the time.

Nico doesn’t care. This is far more than he’s had since Bianca died (far more than he’s _let_ himself have since Bianca died), this silly little cake with tacky sugar skulls and Nico’s name spelt wrong in red icing, and this beautiful boy who does nice things for him for no reason.

This beautiful boy whose smile makes Nico’s heart stutter in his chest, and who comforts Nico when he has nightmares, and sometimes, somehow, makes Nico feel like he might be beautiful, too.

Nico blows out the candles, and he makes a wish, and then he says _I love you_ to a beautiful boy and for the first time, he means it.

.

Nico’s in the arms of the boy he loves trying to fall asleep that night when the buzzing in his ears suddenly rises to an ear-splitting volume.

He jerks upright, and his boyfriend stirs next to him and asks him, in a voice muffled by his pillow, what’s wrong, but Nico can’t answer because he’s too busy feeling someone’s life force fading on another continent, someone he knows.

He throws on clothes, tells his boyfriend he loves him and he’ll IM him as soon as he can, and then he slips into the shadows, praying he’s not too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: someone dies, Leo’s absence is explained, Percy is headed for rock bottom, and Nico admits why he tried to kill himself, why he left and what happened to him in the months and years afterwards.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Unless…” Hazel hesitates. “You don’t still like him, do you?”
> 
> Nico laughs and assures her no, he doesn’t still like Percy. He’s been over it for nearly two years. He doesn’t mention the ex-boyfriend who helped him get over Percy, because he knows Hazel and he knows she’d feel bad about the breakup even though it’s not her fault. He’s over the freckly brunette with the bright blue eyes too, now.
> 
> Because that’s the way life works. People die, or don’t like you back, or grow apart from you, and eventually, you just have to find a way to move on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is where the mentioned internalized homophobia comes in. There's also mentions of underage drinking, and very brief mentions of drug use, smoking and cutting. And more mentions of Nico's past suicide attempts.
> 
> Um, what else... Some canon pairings appear in this chapter for a bit, and there's blink-and-you'll-miss-it Annabeth/Reyna which will probably be focused on a little more in the last chapter.
> 
> I think that's it? Hope you enjoy!

When the shadows let him go, Nico finds himself on a hilltop. Ahead of him he can just make out the Tiber River and beyond that, Camp Jupiter, which means he’s shadow travelled to the Oakland Hills. No one in sight, though, so he turns around and what he sees has him racing down the hill at top speed. He has to dodge howling wolves and irate Lares, but soon he’s made it to the bottom.

Ignoring the carcass of a Drakon with Riptide buried clean through its heart, Nico drops to his knees beside Frank, who is bleeding heavily from a wound—claw marks, Nico sees—in his chest. Nico barely notices Percy kneeling on the other side of Frank, trying desperately to stem the flow of blood with his own purple Camp shirt, at least until Percy says his name and asks, in this terrible, quavering, _hopeful_ voice, if he has any ambrosia, or nectar, or, or, oh gods, _anything_ —

Nico doesn’t. He would give his right arm to change that, but he just, he _doesn’t_ , it was the middle of the night in Ireland and he’s so used to domestic life by now that he almost never carries that kind of stuff with him anyways, other than his sword and—

Nico forces himself to take a deep breath and focus his thoughts on how to help Frank. He focuses and he searches and he reaches, reaches for a _nything_ , just as desperate as Percy, but there’s nothing.

Frank Zhang is bleeding out right in front of him, the love of his sister’s life, and there’s nothing, absolutely _nothing_ , Nico can do.

.

Frank regains consciousness for a couple minutes right before he dies. He smiles when he sees Nico, that dorky grin that Hazel loves so much, and he makes Nico promise to tell Hazel that he loves her more than anything and one day he’ll see her again in Elysium, but until then, he wants her to live a long and happy life with someone who adores her and takes care of her the way she deserves—the best life she possibly can.

He turns to Percy, then, tells him not to blame himself, it’s not his fault, he did everything he could. He makes Percy promise to tell Reyna he’s sorry he won’t be there for war games tomorrow night, but not to worry because Percy will help her lead Camp Jupiter in Frank’s place.

To both of them, he says, “Look after Hazel… Know you guys would anyway, just…reminding…”

And then his eyes glaze over, and his spirit passes into the Underworld, and the buzzing in Nico’s ears fades until it’s so low he can barely hear it over the mournful howling of Lupa’s wolves and the sobs Percy is trying so hard to choke back.

.

Telling Hazel is very nearly the hardest thing Nico’s ever done, second only to having to watch helplessly as Percy and Annabeth fell into Tartarus.

He tells her, and he passes on Frank’s message for her, but she doesn’t seem to hear him. She just stares at him, uncomprehending, for several long moments before it finally sinks in and then—

Gods, the sheer _agony_ on her face, the way she just falls into him, her small frame shaking with heartbroken sobs…

It goes on and on and on, until at last she falls asleep. He figures she won’t want to be surrounded by her roommates at Camp Jupiter when she wakes, so he picks her up, shadow travels to his cabin at Camp Half-Blood and lays her down on one of the unused beds. He pulls the covers up to her chin and sits by her bed all night the way Percy did for him years ago, the night he first tried to kill himself.

He remembers staring out at the water hours that night preparing himself for what he was about to do, knowing Hazel loved him, but thinking maybe that would change if she knew he was gay. Thinking maybe it didn’t matter if she loved him, she didn’t _need_ him, she would be fine without him.

He’s so glad now, more than he’s ever been, that Percy stopped him, and not just once but every time. Who would’ve taken care of Hazel now if Nico had died then?

In the morning, Nico leans in and places a tender kiss on his sister’s forehead, and then he searches his cabin for a way to make a rainbow.

He has a lot to tell his boyfriend.

.

Hazel barely gets out of bed most days, just lies there staring vacantly at the walls or the ceiling. She eats when Nico asks her to, showers when he asks her to, but otherwise she’s almost entirely unresponsive.

Jason, Piper and Annabeth (why isn’t Annabeth at Camp Jupiter with Percy? Nico wonders absently, but he can’t bring himself to care enough to ask) come to check in on her sometimes, but she doesn’t seem to notice them. They’re all grieving, too. First they lost Leo, and now Frank…

Nico’s still not sure which is worse. Because Leo isn’t dead, but they can’t reach him, they’ll never see him again. At least they have a shot of seeing Frank in the Underworld someday, if they make it to Elysium.

Nico hasn’t seen his boyfriend in months. They’re trying to make it work, they really are. They IM almost every day at first, until gradually the gap between messages lengthens.

He wakes up one day and realizes he hasn’t talked to his boyfriend in nearly three weeks. He feels like shit, but there’s nothing he can do. He loves this boy, but his sister will always come first.

.

June 5th rolls around. Frank’s birthday. Hazel wakes up enough to notice, and then breaks down again in a way she hasn’t since she first found out her boyfriend was dead.

And that’s when Nico knows he has to let this go. Even when Hazel starts living again—and she _will_ , he’s determined, because she deserves it and because it’s what Frank wanted—Nico can’t leave her. He can’t live in domestic bliss a continent away from his sister, not ever again. He can’t take her with him, either, because she needs to be near her remaining friends in order to heal.

He doesn’t even consider asking the boy to come live here. His boyfriend and his friends are two separate worlds, two separate lives. As much as the two of them love each other, the guy barely knows anything about this part of Nico, and the thought of him coming here and learning about Nico’s past is bizarre and, if he’s honest, terrifying. Anyways, the boy’s grandmother has Alzheimer’s; he can’t leave her any more than Nico can leave Hazel.

He knows what he has to do. Because he’s seen it before. He’s seen it in the way Bianca did everything in her power to make him give up his mad quest to save her, in the way Jason tried his damnedest to convince him that his friends would accept him no matter what but always backed down when Nico asked, in the way Hazel forgave him for repeatedly leaving her and running off to the Underworld or foreign countries and didn’t ask for him to return even though she missed him like crazy.

He’s seen it in the way Percy fought like hell to keep him from committing suicide but was willing to swallow his pride and admit that he wasn’t making Nico happy. In the way Percy wanted him to stay but let him go so he could maybe find happiness somewhere else.

So Nico knows what he has to do. He knows what you have to do when you love someone more than yourself, because the people who loved him—still love him, maybe—more than they loved themselves have shown him.

He lets that beautiful boy go, because he loves him more than he loves himself.

.

More months pass, and Nico misses that boy so much it feels like he’s walking around with a hole in his heart, but eventually the pain fades, until he’s finding that what he misses is less the boy himself and more loving someone and being loved and being _happy_.

He had a chance at that—being in love and happy—for the first time in his life and now it’s gone and he can’t help but feel like something’s been _stolen_ from him.

He doesn’t blame Hazel, of course. He could never blame her. He’s certainly not going to blame Frank; the poor guy didn’t _want_ to die. He considers blaming Percy, but…he’s done that more than enough times in the past and he just wants that to be done, over with. Anyways, it’s impossible to blame Percy when he remembers the older boy practically begging him for a way to save Frank, and crying his heart out after Frank took his last breath.

Who does that leave? The Drakon that killed Frank? The Gods? The Fates? Nico himself? Maybe he just wasn’t meant to be happy.

Nico ponders that for quite a while, and then comes to the conclusion maybe he just wants to be done with the blame game altogether.

.

It’s an otherwise unremarkable early October morning when Hazel wakes up for real. Nico can’t figure out what triggered it, just knows that when he comes in with breakfast for his sister she’s staring back at him like she’s genuinely aware, like she _knows_ him, for the first time in a long time.

“Nico,” she says, her voice hoarse from crying and general disuse.

Nico drops the breakfast platter. The dishes don’t break, but there’s cereal and blueberry muffin and orange juice all over the floor.

Turns out Hazel’s not interested in breakfast anyways; the next thing she does is demand to see Jason and Piper, of all people. She says she has a message for them, which, _what_?

All the same, Nico goes to get them. They’re stunned to hear Hazel’s awake and demanding to see them, but they quickly push aside their shock and follow Nico back to the Hades cabin. Nico’s so afraid that when they get there they’ll find Hazel has slipped back into the state she’s been in for the past eight months, but she hasn’t. She’s sitting up in bed waiting for them, eyes alert and almost fierce.

She tells them she had a dream.

“A dream?” Piper echoes, exchanging an uncertain glance with her boyfriend.

“A dream,” Hazel says firmly. “I think you should both sit down before I tell you more.”

Jason waves her off, says they’re fine, what was her dream about?

“Leo.”

They sit down.

.

Here’s what Nico knows about what happened to Leo: He was fatally injured during the final battle, the Olympians and the Seven versus the Giants and Gaea on the shores of the Mediterranean Sea. Afterwards, while Hazel and the others gathered around a dying Leo, Hephaestus made his way over to Zeus and spoke to him. Before the demigods could protest, Hephaestus was laying his son down on a raft that appeared in the sea out of thin air and setting him adrift. The fire god wouldn’t tell them where he was sending his son, just that it was the only way to save him and it came at a cost—they would never see him again.

Nico has always gotten the feeling that Percy and Annabeth have their suspicions about where Leo ended up, but they’ve never shared them, perhaps because they couldn’t be 100% sure.

Calypso’s island, Hazel tells Nico, Jason and Piper now, and she sounds _110_ % sure. That’s where Leo ended up—twice. After the incident with Khione, and after defeating Gaea. His first time there, he swore on the River Styx as he was leaving that he would find a way back to the island—back to Calypso.

“He fell in love with her,” Hazel says. “He’s a little disappointed to be stuck on that island forever—he said something about not being able to open up a garage anymore?—but he’s happy he got to keep his promise. He wanted me to tell you that, and that he misses you both and he loves you so much and he always will. But he is happy. He wanted you to know that.”

Jason nods. Piper smiles. They’re holding hands, and they’re both crying. When Leo died, it was like something in them died with him. More times than Nico can count, he caught sight the two of them just sitting together in silence and looking so… _broken_ without the third member of their trio. Like they were missing something vital.

Now they look…not fixed, not whole, but…alive. For the first time since Leo died, they look _alive_.

Nico watches Hazel as she watches their friends. All those months drowning in despair, and she woke up just to tell Jason and Piper something they’ve been needing to hear for years. Just to give them some small bit of happiness.

Nico’s never been prouder of anyone in his life.

.

Later that same day, Hazel tells Nico that Leo had a message for him, too.

“For me?” Nico asks, stunned.

“Well, both of us,” she amends. “He said to go back to Camp Jupiter. We’re needed there.”

For what? Nico wants to know. By who?

Hazel doesn’t have an answer to either of those questions. She says they should go and find out, but Nico is terrified that going back there will send her back into the state she was in before. It takes her a couple months to convince him that she’s gotten to the point where the good memories of Frank don’t hurt her so much anymore.

“Let’s go back,” she says. “I— I want to go back. I want to see Reyna, and Annabeth, and especially Percy.”

Especially Percy, who like Nico was there when Frank died. Nico used to worry about him from time to time, but then Annabeth went back to Camp Jupiter and he knew Percy would be fine as long as he had her.

“Unless…” Hazel hesitates. “You don’t still like him, do you?”

Nico laughs and assures her no, he doesn’t still like Percy. He’s been over it for nearly two years. He doesn’t mention the ex-boyfriend who helped him get over Percy, because he knows Hazel and he knows she’d feel bad about the breakup even though it’s not her fault. He’s over the freckly brunette with the bright blue eyes too, now.

Because that’s the way life works. People die, or don’t like you back, or grow apart from you, and eventually, you just have to find a way to move on.

.

It’s just after Nico’s 19th birthday—and the anniversary of Frank’s death, but he tries not to think about that—that Nico and Hazel finally return to Camp Jupiter.

“I’m glad you’ve returned,” Reyna tells Hazel, and Nico knows she’s not just saying that; she’s IMed Nico once a month since Frank died asking how his sister was doing.

Hazel beams and says she’s glad, too, and then the three of them make small-talk for a while (oh, the horror) before the subject eventually turns to Percy.

Something odd passes over Reyna’s face, but it’s gone before Nico can decipher it. “Percy is… Well. He’s fulfilling his job as Praetor. Except when he’s late, like _right now_ , for instance. He was supposed to be here five minutes ago—”

She cut off abruptly, staring at something behind them. Nico turns, and there’s Percy walking towards them, arm in arm with Annabeth. For the first time, the sight doesn’t feel like a punch to Nico’s gut.

.

Annabeth hugs both Hazel and Nico, tells them how great it is to see them. Percy shakes Nico’s hand, smiling—Nico can’t help but think that there’s something false, or strained, or just plain _weird_ about the upturn of his lips right now—and then turns to Hazel.

Percy greets Hazel quietly, almost shyly, his phony grin gone. Hazel smiles softly in response and steps forward to give him a hug, which takes Percy by surprise, though he hugs her back after a few moments.

When they pull back, there are tears in Hazel’s eyes and Percy is smiling for real. Nico feels something like affection for them both bubbling up inside him, and he’s so busy trying to analyze it that he misses the significant look Annabeth and Reyna exchange.

He doesn’t, however, miss how quickly the light disappears from Percy’s eyes.

.

The next hour is spent debating where Nico and Hazel will live—Hazel doesn’t want to return to the apartment she shared with Frank, which isn’t surprising, and the only time Nico ever lived in New Rome he stayed with Percy and Annabeth.

One thing Nico learns over the course of the hour that leaves him completely dumbstruck: there is no more Percy and Annabeth, not the way there was before, and there hasn’t been for a long time. Years, even.

Another thing Nico learns: Percy is retiring from the Legion as soon as his first year of service is up.

Which is in less than three days.

Which means Percy is going to be living in New Rome again, too.

Annabeth, Reyna and, to Nico’s confusion, _Hazel_ , exchange a significant look, and this time Nico definitely notices.

The next thing he knows, the girls are proclaiming they have a solution to the living arrangement problem.

Automatically, he and Percy ask them what it is.

Neither of them are the slightest bit prepared for the answer.

* * *

Living together the first time around was difficult most days, impossible others, and once in a blue moon, easy as breathing.

The second time around, it’s just awkward.

Like, the second they get through the door the awkwardness seeps in. What is Percy supposed to do? Give Nico a tour of an apartment he already knows like the back of his hand? Point out, this is where you used to sleep, at least I think you used to sleep but I’m not sure because I never saw it with my own eyes and you always looked tired in the mornings? Or, this is where that horrible little goat statue Coach Hedge sent me for my birthday one year used to be until I broke it ‘accidentally’ a few months ago, you know, the one with the creepy eyes that seemed to follow you everywhere? Or, this is where Annabeth used to leave her architecture junk for us to trip over and at one point we decided she was doing it on purpose and we spent an entire week plotting our revenge only for it to backfire on us spectacularly? Or, this is where you and I used to hang out in the quiet evenings when you weren’t in a hostile mood and sometimes you hummed songs I didn’t know under your breath and sometimes you even let me lean in closer to hear you and my hand brushed against your thigh and I’ve tried but gods help me, I still can’t forget?

Nico doesn’t seem particularly happy to be here, which Percy can understand. The guy probably came back to Camp Jupiter expecting to find a quiet place to live with his sister, and instead his sister was staying with Annabeth and he was staying with Percy.

He’d looked surprised, earlier, to find that Percy and Annabeth broke up ages ago. Percy’s not a genius, but even he can work out that that means Nico never cared enough to ask about him these past few years while Iris Messaging Hazel and Jason and probably everyone but Percy.

It makes Percy a little sick to his stomach, to know that after all this time Nico still hates him, or worse, after all they’ve been through he’s just completely indifferent to him.

Probably the latter. He looks so different now: less angry, less _I hate the world and everyone in it, especially you and_ especially _me_ ; more confident, more _I have respect for myself and know I deserve good things and you, Percy, you’re not a good thing._

It’s a good change. It’s good that he’s happy.

It just hurts worse than taking a bath in the Styx to know that he could only find that happiness after cutting off all ties to Percy.

.

It only takes Nico a week to pick up on the fact that Percy has changed drastically since they last saw each other. Percy tries, but it’s just impossible to hide it. To hide how little sleep he gets and how little he eats and how thin he is and how he’s—

Broken. He’s pretty sure that’s what he is.

Broken isn't so bad, though. Better than bleeding to death at the bottom of a hill because the guy who was supposed to have your back didn’t notice the Drakon until it had its claws buried in your chest. Better than being set adrift in the waters of the Mediterranean Sea and never seeing your friends again because the guy who might have the ability to heal you only ever bothered to learn how to use his powers to destroy. Better than rotting in Tartarus because the guy who claimed to be your friend abandoned you there to go save the world, or being blown up by your own explosives while the guy who promised you you’d make it back to your girlfriend left you and saved himself, or dying in a junkyard because the guy who should’ve risked his life in your place was too slow, too weak, too cowardly…

And there’s still more people Percy’s let down in his short lifetime: Damasen, Luke, Ethan Nakamura, Silena Beauregard, Michael Yew, Zoe Nightshade, and countless demigods who died in either the Titan war or the war with Gaea.

Calypso, left alone on her island because Percy never checked to see if she was freed. Hazel, who lost the love of her life due to Percy’s carelessness. Jason and Piper, missing the person who made their trio—who made _them_ —complete, due to Percy’s utter _uselessness_. His mother and Paul…but if he thinks about that he’ll completely break down.

Annabeth. He was too consumed by his own guilt and whatever the hell else it was he felt for Nico to make her happy.

And Nico himself. Gods, he fucked up that kid’s entire life and he didn’t even have the decency to help him put it back together. _Couldn’t_ even help. Wasn’t enough to help.

All in all, ‘broken’ is a fairly apt description of what Percy is. That’s what he is and there’s no hiding it. Nico was bound to notice, and that’s okay as long as neither of them mentions it, which shouldn’t be a problem. Percy would rather give up Riptide than talk about it and Nico doesn’t care enough bring it up.

Or so Percy thinks.

.

When Nico drags him out of the apartment to go see a movie one chilly March evening, Percy’s not expecting an interrogation. That’s his first mistake.

His second is agreeing to go for dinner after the movie. It’s fun, at first, reminds him of the old days—or at least the ones where Nico happened to be feeling charitable towards Percy rather than resentful—but eventually he finds himself in a diner sitting opposite the son of Hades, who currently looks like he’s preparing to charge into battle.

Oh, gods. Does the men’s washroom in this place have windows big enough for Percy to crawl through?

Nico must notice his eyes darting around searching for a means of escape, because he gives him a _don’t even think about it_ look, casually drawing a wicked-looking blade out from somewhere on his person and fiddling with it pointedly.

Percy stays seated.

.

“Percy,” Nico begins slowly, “are you okay.”

It doesn’t sound like a question. And it isn’t one, because Nico already knows the answer.

Percy plays dumb, says the movie theatre popcorn wasn’t that bad, he’s fine, he doesn’t even have a stomach-ache.

Nico is not amused. He brings up Percy’s food intake, or lack thereof, his sleeping pattern, or lack thereof, and his daily activities, or lack thereof. They’ve been living together for about a month now and this is one of the only time’s Percy’s left the apartment, Nico accuses.

“It is not,” Percy objects. “I get out of the apartment plenty. I just leave after you’ve gone and get back before you.”

“You’re lying.”

Percy’s temper flares, because he’s backed into a corner and getting angry is better than admitting to anything. He asks how Nico knows this, did Annabeth tell him? He saw the two of them getting cosy in the bakery yesterday—

“Is that what this is all about?” Nico cuts him off. “Annabeth? You’re still hung up on her, after all this time?”

As far as Percy’s concerned, that’s pretty much an admittance, but he doesn’t press, just answers the question calmly (and truthfully), no, he’s not still hung up on Annabeth, he’s been over her for years. They’re good friends, the best of friends, but that’s it. Nothing more, nothing less.

He wants to ask why _Nico_ isn’t over her yet, wants to warn him that’s there’s no point pining after Annabeth, he’s seen the way she looks at Reyna.

Instead he keeps his mouth shut, and he doesn’t answer any more questions that night.

.

Three more months of this, of Percy not functioning like a healthy human being and refusing to admit to it, before Nico finally gets fed up.

He corners Percy one night right before the son of Poseidon is about to pretend to go asleep and says in a steely voice, “You are turning 23 gods damned years old in a matter of weeks. Don’t you think it’s about time you faced your problems like an adult?”

Percy surveys him blankly and says nothing.

Slowly—very slowly—the harsh expression on Nico’s face falters, softens by degrees, until finally he says that he’s not asking for a whole lot, just some honesty.

“Be honest with me,” he bargains, “and I’ll be honest with you.”

That sparks Percy’s interest. There’s so much he desperately wants to know. How did Nico get so bad all those years ago that he genuinely wanted to _die_? What happened to him after he left to change all that? (Why did he leave, why wasn’t Percy ever enough—)

All at once, the truth comes pouring out. Percy talks until his voice is hoarse, talks about all the guilt he feels for everything, _everyone_ : Bianca. Calypso. Beckendorf. Bob and Damasen. Leo. Annabeth. Percy’s unborn half-sister who might’ve had a shot at life if he’d gotten his mom to the hospital fast enough. And Frank, oh gods, he’s never going to be able to wash the blood off his hands—

And most of all, Nico. Because out of all the people who’ve died or nearly died on Percy’s watch, Nico is the only one who actually _wanted_ to.

All that guilt, and Percy’s tried but he just can’t let it go. It drives people away and then he feels even guiltier and it just keeps going and going, a vicious cycle.

When he’s done, they just sit there staring at each other. Nico looks stunned. Percy doesn’t know how he looks. He never does anymore.

It’s been a long time since he was last able to bear looking at himself in the mirror.

.

After nearly half an hour of total silence, Nico suddenly blurts out, “I’m gay.”

Percy blinks at him.

“I’m gay,” he says again. “And for the longest time I had an Olympus-sized crush on you. I hated myself for it. For feeling that way about a guy. I hated myself for a lot of things. Sometimes I think I hated myself just for the sake of it.”

It’s a good thing Nico doesn’t seem to be expecting a response anytime soon, because Percy has been struck speechless, though somewhere in the back of his mind he thinks he's doing a rather remarkable expression of a goldfish with the way he's opening and closing his mouth.

“Whatever the reason… I hated myself enough that I thought everyone else—you, Hazel, Jason—would be better off without me. I guess I was sort of thinking that I was going to die eventually, why not right then, and since my dad is Hades it would just be like coming home permanently. So I tried it, and when you stopped me I tried it again, because it seemed to me that I would never be worth enough to mean anything to anybody, or… or if I _did_ mean anything to anybody it would destroy them.

“When you forced me to come live with you…sometimes it was okay. Sometimes it was even _good_. But most of the time being around you—and you and Annabeth together—just reminded of why I hated myself, so when you told me you wanted me to be happy I knew I had to leave. I— I think I knew deep down that you did care and you just wanted to help, but. I just. I couldn’t stay even though part of me wanted to.

“And so I left…”

.

To be honest, Nico says, finding happiness wasn’t his first priority immediately after leaving; he resented Percy for the oaths the other boy made him swear and didn’t feel inclined to do anything he asked. He went straight back to the Underworld with the full intention of making himself as miserable as possible just to spite Percy. And it worked—until Hades finally had enough of Nico’s sulking and forced him to take a job waiting tables at a mortal restaurant in Venice.

Nico rebelled, at first. Smoked cigarettes. Did drugs. Tried cutting. The cigarettes made him cough too much, the drugs were too expensive considering his measly pay, and cutting…it just didn’t make him feel any better. So eventually he stopped—stopped all of it.

He ended up befriending the elderly couple who owned the restaurant, and he found the more he opened himself up to them the more he remembered his past there in Venice with his mother and Bianca. Eventually their grandson came home from school for the holidays—with a boy in tow who he unashamedly proclaimed to be his boyfriend.

And just seeing how much the elderly couple loved their grandson, seeing how they accepted him and his boyfriend without hesitation… It made Nico feel like maybe instead of avoiding the parts of himself he thought were disgusting and wrong, he should explore them.

So he did. It wasn’t easy at first, because he wasn’t a big fan of touching to begin with, but he explored his sexuality. More than that, he embraced it.

It took him a long time, but he did it. He learned to accept that he wasn’t a monster. He learned to let go of his twisted-up feelings for Percy. And he learned that he was worth a whole lot more than he ever thought he could be.

.

Percy stays silent for a long time after Nico’s voice fades.

“That’s quite the story,” he says finally, after awkwardly clearing his throat for a bit trying to buy time.

Nico nods.

Percy corrects himself, “That’s an amazing story, actually. What you did…that took a lot of courage. And I just want you to know…”

He hesitates, but then thinks _screw it_ , he owes Nico this after what he said years ago the night Nico left even if he didn’t mean it, and plows on, “This probably won’t mean much coming from me, but. I think… I think Bianca would be really proud of you.”

Nico bites his lip and there’s this really weird expression on his face and all Percy can think is that he’s fucked up _again_ —and then he notices how bright Nico’s eyes, and realizes the other man is trying not to cry.

“Thanks,” Nico says in a low, unsteady voice. “That actually, well, it means a lot. So just. Thanks.”

Seeing how sincere Nico is, Percy can’t fight back his grin. He’s just telling the truth, he says.

Nico doesn’t smile back. In fact, he frowns, and says Percy hardly ever smiles like that anymore; and that’s true, too, so Percy just ducks his head and stares at his shoes because he knows he won’t find any judgement in Nico’s eyes but…he’s not sure what he _will_ find and sometimes, sometimes not knowing is better.

.

“I want to help you.”

Percy jerks his head up to stare at Nico. Did he hear that right?

“I want to help you,” Nico repeats. “I know you think you didn’t help me, but you did. I wouldn’t have gotten to where I am today without you. Actually, I wouldn’t be alive at all. So thank you for that. I should’ve told you that a long time ago. Thank you.”

Percy shrugs and mumbles that anyone would’ve done the same.

Nico shakes his head, insists he doesn’t get it. “When I stopped directing all my energy towards being bitter and hating you, I thought about it, and… You tried really, _really_ hard. A lot harder than anyone could’ve expected you to, and a lot harder than most people would’ve. And that meant so much to me. It still does.

“So I want to help you. You were there for me during the darkest period of my life, and now I want to be there for you. You’ve offered me your friendship time and time again and I’ve always refused to even try. I want to try now. I want to be us to be friends for real, no more secrets between us.”

“No more secrets,” Percy agrees immediately, reaching for Nico’s outstretched hand. Not to shake it, though. Just to hold it tightly.

Maybe just one secret, he decides after a second. He doubts Nico needs or wants to know that Percy would gladly never let go of his hand.

.

The next few months pass quickly, and Percy finds he’s happier than he’s been in years. Still broken, but he _is_ happy. Living with Nico is so much better when they’re friends, and being friends with Nico is the best, period.

Nico doesn’t let him sulk, doesn’t let him waste away. Nico brings Percy along for breakfast with Annabeth at her favourite café/bakery on weekdays, Wednesday afternoons they have Hazel over for a movie marathon, and on Saturday nights, Nico drags all of them—including Reyna—out to a club. Every Saturday night, even though the girls never let him drink.

And on Sunday evenings, Percy finds himself sitting with Nico on the couch for hours, talking occasionally but mostly just listening to Nico hum now familiar songs a little louder than he used to.

Percy leans in closer anyways.

.

Percy knows he can’t blame the alcohol, but…he’s blaming the alcohol.

It’s New Year’s Eve and he’s had too much to drink and Nico looks beautiful in the dim lighting and he’s standing too close and—

And those are the only excuses Percy can come up with for why, when the clocks strike midnight, he grabs a fistful of Nico’s shirt and pulls him in for a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Nico panics, Percy pines, and the girls are just completely done with both of them. 
> 
> P.S. I'm sorry for killing Frank. And Leo too. Even though he's not actually dead.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Have you considered telling Percy how very interested you actually are?” Annabeth asks him the next day when they meet for breakfast—which they don’t normally do on the weekends, but this is an _emergency_ , okay.
> 
> “But I’m _not_ interested.”
> 
> Annabeth just looks at him, and so Nico concedes that, okay, maybe part of him is interested. The same part of him that would be interested in any attractive guy.
> 
> “Nico.” She says his name so seriously, like she’s legitimately concerned for his mental wellbeing. “ _Nico_ , you are so far down the Nile you’re about to wash up into the Mediterranean Sea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter is almost the length of the previous two combined, not sure how that happened. Um, a lot of birthdays for some reason, a lot of the boys being stupid and the girls being exasperated, some more Annabeth/Reyna and a bit of OOC-for-comic-relief Jason, and some brief appearances from characters you probably didn't expect.
> 
> ALSO references to (chronic?) nightmares, mentions of Nico's suicide attempts, really mild sexual content, and... 
> 
> I think that's it! Hope you enjoy the last chapter!

It’s easy to pretend the kiss never happened, at first. When Percy pulls back to find Nico staring at him, stunned and a little horrified, he laughs it off, like it was just a joke, and Nico gratefully accepts that explanation.

Life goes on, and Nico continues to ignore everything he’s been ignoring since he returned to Camp Jupiter—the way Percy looks at him, how close to him he always stands without even seeming to realize, how he absentmindedly takes Nico’s hand when they’re in a crowd, or falls asleep with his head in Nico’s lap like he’s at home there…

And then Nico’s birthday rolls around. He gets home from a day out with Hazel (it’s their unspoken agreement, those daylight hours are spent celebrating with her brother, that night is spent grieving Frank) and there’s a cake on the table with twenty wacky, mismatched candles stuck in it, skeletons and a dog that looks like Mrs. O’Leary and even a little wax figure of  Mulan (Percy is the only one who knows of his unholy love for that movie; Nico knows all the lyrics to every song and he even sings along to ‘I’ll Make a Man Out of You’ and ‘A Girl Worth Fighting For’ when it’s just him and Percy).

Nico tears his gaze away from the cake and looks up to see Percy beaming at him.

“Happy birthday!” Percy exclaims, and Nico thanks him.

Percy tells him to blow out all the candles and make a wish, and Nico reminds himself that this is the sort of thing Percy would do for any of his friends, and he’s probably just trying to keep both their minds off Frank—

Percy had a tradition, he tells Nico. He bought a cupcake on Nico’s birthday for the past few years the younger man was gone, and stuck a candle in it and made a wish for Nico as he blew it out.

“I hope they came true,” he says, his smile unusually shy. “You seem a lot happier now, so I think they did.”

Nico just nods, because he’s sure if he opens his mouth to speak right now he’ll end up screaming.

He blows out the candles, and can’t bring himself to make a wish.

.

After that, there’s one option left: pull away. He can’t be friends with Percy if Percy wants more than that. He’s finally got his life sorted out, he can’t be dragged back into all that pain and anger and uncertainty Percy used to bring him.

Except how can he pull away when being friends with Percy is such an integral part of his life now? When it’s the last piece of the puzzle, the only thing left that he needed to truly be at peace with himself?

How can he pull away when doing so seems to make Percy’s nightmares grow worse in intensity and happen more frequently? How can he, when it dims the light in Percy’s eyes, makes the guilt creep back into his voice, makes his shoulders hunch and his hands shake?

On Valentine’s Day five years ago, Percy made Annabeth breakfast in bed and then tripped over his own feet on the way back to their bedroom, food flying everywhere.

This Valentine’s Day Nico wakes up and breakfast is ready for him on the table. Croissants (his favorite) fresh from the bakery, a fruit platter and a steaming cup of coffee.

Percy is nowhere to be found.

Later, when Nico tries to thank him without actually looking him in the eye, Percy just shrugs and walks away, leaving him be.

Percy isn’t trying to make a move, Nico knows. He’s not looking to get together. He’s doing what Nico did years ago, just trying to make his crush happy with zero hope of his feelings ever being returned.

(The worst part is Nico has a sinking feeling in his gut that this isn’t just a crush.)

.

Four A.M. on a chilly early March morning, Nico is sitting by the entrance of Caldecott Tunnel, backpack filled with his few important possessions on the ground beside him, staring listlessly into space when Reyna finds him.

She sits down next to him and they’re both quiet for a while, until finally she just sighs and tells him he’s not an idiot, he knows he’s not going to leave so why bother pretending?

“I don’t know that, though,” he argues half-heartedly. “I don’t need to stay. I want to leave.”

“Hazel will go back to being near-catatonic. Percy will stop eating and sleeping properly again. Annabeth will hunt you down and tear you limb from limb for hurting them.”

“And you?”

“I’ll help her.”

“And me?”

“You’ll regret it, and not just because you’ll die slowly and screaming in agony.”

It’s not a threat. It’s not a promise. It’s a matter-of-fact statement, and Nico hates it.

.

He goes back, though, and he knows she was right when he enters the apartment and finds Percy, Hazel and Annabeth all sitting on the couch waiting for him.

Annabeth glares at him, nostrils flaring. Hazel’s face is tear-streaked. Percy won’t even look at him and his hands are shaking again.

Nico apologizes, sincerely, until his voice is hoarse, but it’s weeks before Annabeth’s stony expression softens, weeks before Hazel stops clinging to him for a minute too long every time she hugs him goodbye, weeks before Percy goes back to sleeping in his own bed.

He feels guilty for what he’s done them all, to these people he loves so much.               

It’s the most horrible déjà vu, those weeks where he gets up in middle of the night for a glass of water and finds Percy curled up on the couch trying to keep himself awake with bad television.

Nico’s changed a lot since those days. He doesn’t hate himself anymore, and he certainly doesn’t hate Percy.

He lets go of the guilt, eventually.

It’s the fear that won’t go away.

.

Late March, and Nico wakes up one night screaming at the top of his lungs. He doesn’t even know where he is, at first, just where he _thinks_ he is.

“It’s okay, it’s okay, you’re not back there, I’d never let you end up back there—”

Nico doesn’t register the meaning of the words right away, but he does feel something running up and down his arms so his immediate reaction is to jerk away and throws up his hands defensively.

“Nico, it’s okay, it’s Percy. Just Percy. You’re safe, I swear.”

This time, the words soothe him as they were intended to. Now that his eyes have adjusted to the dark a little, he can make out Percy’s concerned face, Percy’s eyes locked on him.

Nico didn’t have Percy with him in Tartarus. Nico was all alone there. So the fact that Percy’s here now assures him, more than anything else could, that he’s _not_ back there.

Now that Nico’s calmed down a little, Percy slowly reaches out to him again, gripping his shoulders. He asks if Nico wants to talk about it, and when Nico shakes his head he asks if Nico wants to be alone.

Nico doesn’t. He doesn’t want to be alone, he’s never wanted to be alone less. He wants—

He wants to crawl forward and rest his head in the crook of Percy’s neck, wants Percy’s hands to slip along his back until Percy is holding him. He wants to be fifteen again, when the memory of being in Percy’s arms warmed him whenever he thought about it for months afterwards, no matter how low he was or how resentful towards Percy he was feeling.

He wants all that, and it scares him, so he just says yes, he wants to be alone. Percy releases his shoulders, but midway through getting to his feet he abruptly turns back to Nico. Nico doesn’t know what he expects. For Percy to call him out on his lie and refuse to leave? For Percy to demand he talk about his nightmare?

Percy doesn’t do either of those things. He leans in and Nico flinches back automatically, but Percy keeps going and—

—kisses Nico’s forehead. Just a brief touch of his lips and then he pulls back, but it makes Nico’s eyes sting and that makes him angry.

“What... You can’t— I don’t— I’m not _Annabeth_ , Percy,” Nico manages at last, spitting out Annabeth’s name in a way he hasn’t in years, in a way he never wants to again.

Percy looks him directly in the eyes and says steadily, “I know you’re not. I know who you are, Nico.”

And as Percy stands and leaves the room without so much as a backwards glance, it occurs to Nico that _this_ is what he’s so afraid of.

.

The thing is, that son of Iris he dated, that beautiful boy who was so kind and thoughtful—he didn’t really _know_ Nico. He knew the good bits, the bits that only Hazel, Jason and now Percy, Annabeth and Reyna know (the bits Bianca always knew, the bits his mother knew), but the bad bits… He had no idea. The very worst of Nico. The very worst that has happened to Nico.

He knew Nico lost his sister Bianca. He didn’t know that Nico spent months afterwards plotting with a vengeful, manipulative ghost to bring her back to life. He knew Nico hated pomegranates. He didn’t know that Nico survived for days in a jar on the seeds alone. He knew Nico had nightmares. He never knew they were about Tartarus. He wouldn’t recognize the name Percy Jackson if someone mentioned it to him, had no idea of the significance the son of Poseidon has had in Nico’s life since Nico was a cheerful, dorky ten-year-old kid rambling on about Mythomagic. He sure as hell never knew Nico considered taking his own life countless times before finally learning he wasn’t a monster and actually tried to go through with it twice—would have three times, if not for Percy.

He loved what he knew of Nico, but that doesn’t change the fact that there was a lot he didn’t know.

If he _had_ known all those things…looking back, Nico thinks the boy would’ve accepted him if he had, would’ve loved him regardless.

Nico never gave either of them the chance to find out.

.

Percy knows him. He’s seen the best of Nico, caught glimpses of those parts when they were younger and has seem them frequently in the past few months.

He’s certainly seen Nico at his worst: Nico with his obsessive grudge, Nico betraying him for info on his family and his father’s approval, Nico broken after being pushed too far by Tartarus and the Gaea, Nico’s bitterness and jealousy and self-loathing, Nico giving in under the weight of it all…

Nico knows now he is not worthless. He knows he has friends who love him unconditionally and accept him for everything he is, and he knows he deserves them. Percy is one of those friends and, in theory, him wanting to be with Nico in a different way doesn’t change that.

But none of Nico’s previous lovers, whether they were one-night-stands or boyfriends or whatever else, have known all of him. And the thought that anyone ever could and somehow want him anyways… It’s. It’s really terrifying.

He doesn’t know what to do about it. Until one Sunday in May, as his weekly visit to Camp Half-Blood comes to an end and he’s about to return home, he suddenly does. Or thinks he does. Or doesn’t really think much at all, actually, just goes with his split-second impulse.

He doesn’t want someone to know him, to love him.

He just wants someone to wreck him.

.

When he shadow travels back to the apartment a little after three in the morning, he finds Percy asleep on the couch. He freezes. Damn it, this always happens, he always winds up in the living room by his bedroom door rather than actually _in_ his bedroom because the Fates apparently hate him and—

And Percy is waking, rubbing at his eyes and sitting up and yawning, and then he catches sight of Nico.

He sounds so relieved as he says Nico’s name, and Nico abruptly remembers that his Sunday evenings after he gets back from visiting Jason and Piper are spent with Percy. Nico’s gotten home late on those evenings before, sometimes not showing up at all, but he’s always given Percy some kind of warning: a note or an IM or something, at least.

He couldn’t have thought Nico left for good, could he? All of Nico’s stuff is still here, so why would he think…

“You’re okay, right? Not hurt that badly? Here, let me get the lights—”

Oh. Oh, gods, he thought Nico was attacked, or— Wait, he’s turning on the lights, shit—

“No, don’t,” Nico protest. “I’m fine, I swear—”

It’s too late. The lights are on and when his eyes adjust to the change he can see Percy looking him over. At first, all Percy seems to register is the lack of blood, judging by the tired smile on his face.

And then he looks a little closer. At Nico’s dishevelled hair. His swollen lips. The bruises on his neck.

“Oh,” he says in a tiny voice.

Nico was wrong before. _This_ , he decides, is the worst déjà vu. Because here they are, the son of Poseidon and the son of Hades, caught in almost the same tableau as five years ago: Percy on the couch, Nico by his bedroom door, just staring at each other in awkward silence. But there’s a difference.

Last time there was so much hanging in the air between them—bitterness, anger, sadness, desperation and maybe even the slightest bit of hope that they could somehow fix things.

This time Nico’s pretty sure the only thing either of them is feeling is nausea.

After a long pause—drawn-out and so heavy, weighing them down like the sky must’ve weighed down Annabeth and Percy almost a lifetime ago—Percy says softly, “Your shirt’s on inside-out.”

Nico’s not sure what impresses him more: that Percy managed to speak a full sentence without throwing up the way Nico definitely will if he opens his mouth anytime soon, or that the smile he gives Nico is only about 25% reminiscent of someone having their hand slowly sawed off.

In the interest of not puking all over the carpet, Nico simply half-shrugs, half-nods in response, desperate to get away and pretend this whole thing is just a horrific nightmare.

Percy must notice that urge because he disappears into his bedroom without another word.

.

The silence lasts for more than three weeks afterwards. It’s not that they never talk at all, it’s just that they never say anything more meaningful than “Pass the butter knife” or “Jason and Piper said hello”. They used to have their comfortable, meaningful silence on Sunday evenings, but this silence isn’t anything like that. This one is strained, distant, and it makes Nico feel like a stranger in his own skin.

He doesn’t want it to be like this, and after a while he realizes Percy doesn’t, either. Percy’s not mad at him, not trying to hurt him, he just doesn’t know how else to act and he seems to be taking his cues from the way he mistakenly thinks Nico wants them both to act.

When he finally corners Percy as they’re approaching the one-month-of-painful-awkwardness mark, he’s really only intending to ask if they can just forget about it and let things go back to the way they were.

Instead, he ends up accusing Percy of being one of those people who says they’re totally fine with their friend being homosexual but what they actually mean is that they’re totally fine with their friend being homosexual as long as their friend never does anything even remotely gay.

Percy rolls his eyes, which is about the most emotional display Nico’s seen from him in twenty-four days, and tells him that’s ridiculous, Nico knows that’s not true.

“Well what else am I supposed to think? You said you were fine with it but the second I actually hook up with a guy you avoid me like the plague—”

“I wasn’t _avoiding_ you, I’ve just been busy—”

“You have _not_! Annabeth told me she’s legitimately worried you might merge with the sofa one of these days if someone doesn’t drag you outside—”

“Look, it was just awkward and I didn’t know how to act. Why would I have a problem with you liking guys—”

“I don’t know, because you’re secretly a homophobe—”

“— _when I like guys too_!”

The shout hangs in the air for several moments, reverberating in Nico’s head to the rhythm of his heart pounding in his ears, until finally Nico manages to choke out, “ _What_?”

.

The worst part is they both know Nico’s only pretending to be surprised. They both know perfectly well that Percy isn’t straight; that’s partly the reason for the awkwardness between them.

What Nico doesn’t know is why he accused Percy of being a homophobe in the first place and why his response to Percy’s confession now is, “Are you sure? I mean, have you ever even been with a guy? Because it might just be a—”

“I can’t believe I’m hearing this from _you_ of all people,” Percy scoffs, and Nico admits to him that he can’t believe he just said that, either.

“Guess I didn’t really know what else to say,” Nico says with an uncomfortable shrug of his shoulders.

Percy says it’s okay, he hasn’t ever been with guy and Nico’s right, he’s _not_ entirely sure because he never used to think about guys that way, it’s a relatively recent thing.

This, at least, Nico can help with. He tells Percy that the only way to know for sure is if he goes out there and finds out.

“What, like, _experiment_? That’s not really— How would I even get someone to agree to that? What would I say? ‘Hi, my name’s Percy and I think I might like men but I’m not 100% sure, would you mind if I groped you for a while so I can figure out whether your guy parts turn me on or not—‘”

Nico squeezes his eyes shut. “Percy, please stop talking.”

When Percy doesn’t immediately start rambling again, Nico opens his eyes and adds, not commenting on how red Percy’s face is, “I do know someone who would agree to that, actually.”

Percy asks him who. He looks like he’s half-hoping, half-dreading Nico will volunteer himself for this experiment. Which would be such a bad idea; the worst idea in history, worse than invading Russia in the winter or calling Mr. D the ‘wine dude’ to his face, and—

Nico really, _really_ wants to. It will fix everything, he tells himself. This _thing_ between them is just the result of several long years of unresolved sexual tension. Of course he doesn’t have feelings for Percy. Percy probably doesn’t really have feelings for him, either. This is just UST and once they get it out of their systems they can go back to their not at all awkward, 100% platonic friendship.

Or. Or this could go horribly wrong, even worse than the one time they attempted retribution on Annabeth—and that ended very, _very_ badly for Percy and Nico.

“His name’s Danny,” Nico finally blurts out. “He’s a couple years older than you, lives near Hazel and Annabeth. He does this sort of thing all the time, never makes it uncomfortable or anything. Just tell him I mentioned him to you.”

“Danny,” Percy repeats, and his face is blank but his tone is sort of relieved. “Well, I guess you better give me his exact address.”

.

Hazel raises an eyebrow when Nico asks her to go the movies with him on Friday night.

“Don’t you usually go with Percy?”

“He’s busy tonight.”

He says this the way one might say, _I pressed the big red button with the ‘Do not push’ sign above it and now the world’s going to explode in 24 hours, oops_ , so he doesn’t blame Hazel for immediately assuming he’s messed up and asking him what he did.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Nico insists. “Believe me, you don’t want to talk about it either. Please come see this movie with me. If you don’t come I’ll have to go alone and I’ll end up in the fetal position in my seat rocking back and forth wondering how I could’ve ever possibly been such an idiot as to suggest that Percy get it on with a random guy—”

“Wait, you did _what_?”

“Danny,” Nico says miserably. “You know. Your almost neighbor.”

“The really fit one?” Hazel asks hesitantly.

“Yes.”

“Oh, Nico.” Hazel sighs and doesn’t ask for any context. Smart girl. “I’ll pay for your movie ticket.”

.

Nico gets home from the theatre a little after ten and goes straight to the couch to watch another movie. Not, he tells himself firmly, because he plans to wait up for Percy. No. He doesn’t care about Percy’s sex life. Nico doesn’t care if Percy decides he’s straight after all. Or if sex with Danny is so mind-blowingly awesome Percy decides not only is he completely, 100% gay, but he wants to run off to Vegas with Danny and elope and then move out of the apartment or kick Nico out so he and his new husband can—

Someone’s fiddling with the lock. But Percy couldn’t be home already, could he? It’s not even eleven yet. The door opens and someone’s taking their shoes off and then heading for the living room, and yes, those are Percy’s footsteps.

Maybe Nico should be mentally preparing himself for the conversation that is undoubtedly about to take place, but all he can think is that if Percy walks in with sex hair and hickeys all over his neck the way Nico himself did a few weeks ago, he will definitely puke, which is a real shame because he likes the carpet, it’s pretty cool with its swirling pattern that draws you in like an optical illusion.

Percy does not have sex hair and hickeys all over his neck. His clothes aren’t on inside out or backwards. His appearance is in no way dishevelled, and Nico doesn’t mean to jump to conclusions, but—

“Did you even go through with it?” he asks before he can stop himself.

“No,” Percy says quietly. “No, I didn’t.”

Nico’s not sure if that makes him feel better or worse.

.

Still, he invites Percy to sit beside him on the couch so they can talk this through. About a year ago he promised to help Percy, and even if he wasn’t determined to keep his promises, he never abandons a friend in need of his help.

“I got there and was about to ring the doorbell and I just—” Percy sighs, runs a hand through his hair. “I just couldn’t do it. So I went for a walk and ended up running into Annabeth, and she dragged me back to her place and pretty much forced the whole thing out of me. And we talked it over and—she had a lot to say that I’d never even considered.”

“Like what?”

“Like the fact that maybe I don’t like guys _or_ girls.” Seeing Nico’s confused look, Percy elaborates, “I’ve always thought of myself as straight, but the truth is the only girls I’ve ever thought about that way were girls I really cared about. Calypso, Rachel… Annabeth, obviously… and, uh, Reyna, sort of—”

“ _Reyna_ ,” Nico squawks. “When did _that_ happen?”

“A couple years after I broke up with Annabeth. It didn’t last very long, we figured out pretty quickly that we were better off as friends and also I think she was more interested in Annabeth even then, she just hadn’t realized yet—but anyways…” Percy trails off and then steers the conversation back to the real issue: “Aside from the, uh, _thing_ with Reyna, the only girls I went out with after I broke up with Annabeth were basically strangers. Blind dates set up by Reyna, Hazel or…or Frank. Or girls I happened to meet in the coffee shop who gave me their phone numbers. And I gave it a shot every time, but it never worked out. I could see myself holding hands with them, maybe having a fun night at the movies or the club or whatever, but the thought of kissing them was…just— _wrong_ , I guess. I tried one-night-stands and I couldn’t do those, either.”

“So what you’re saying,” Nico says slowly, “is that there has to be an emotional attachment for you to be attracted to them.”

“Yes,” Percy says, looking relieved that Nico grasped the concept so quickly.

“Wait, so…” Nico hesitates. “You said before that recently you’ve been thinking about guys that way, too. Did you really mean there’s a specific guy you think of that way?”

Yeah, Percy says, there’s just one specific guy. He just didn’t realize at the time that that was an important distinction.

“A specific guy that you really care about,” Nico clarifies, and all at once the nausea is back. He doesn’t want to hear Percy admit it out loud.

(He wants to hear Percy admit it out loud so badly he can barely breathe.)

Percy swallows hard, and stares back at him for a too-long moment before saying in a low voice, “Nobody interested.”

.

“Have you considered telling Percy how very interested you actually are?” Annabeth asks him the next day when they meet for breakfast—which they don’t normally do on the weekends, but this is an _emergency_ , okay.

“But I’m _not_ interested.”

Annabeth just looks at him, and so Nico concedes that, okay, maybe part of him is interested. The same part of him that would be interested in any attractive guy.

“Nico.” She says his name so seriously, like she’s legitimately concerned for his mental wellbeing. “ _Nico_ , you are so far down the Nile you’re about to wash up into the Mediterranean Sea.”

“The sea,” he repeats, giving her a dirty look. “Yeah, real subtle there, Wise Girl.”

She waves her fork threateningly in his face and tells him Percy Jackson is the only one allowed to call her that.

Nico knows that, and he tells her so, and…

“I still don’t understand why you guys ever broke up,” he admits. “I always thought the world would end in a few years due to my dad and his brothers all being overdramatic five year olds and you and Percy would still be together having end-of-the-world sex. Or else you’d both miraculously live to old age and end up sitting on a porch swing somewhere in the country watching your granddaughter boss around your grandsons.”

“She would, wouldn’t she,” Annabeth murmurs, with such sincere approval for her non-existent granddaughter in her tone that he almost laughs. There’s a faraway look in her eyes as she gives him a real answer: “I don’t know, Nico, it was just one of those things. I thought Percy and I were meant to be together, too, when I was younger. And I still think that, in a way. The people we were back then…we were meant for each other. But we changed. I don’t know why, I don’t even really know _how_ , but we did. We ended up on a different path, and the people we are now are just better off as friends.”

And that never bothers her, that they lost that chance, that love? he asks her. She doesn’t regret it?

“You know, I used to,” she says thoughtfully, and her gaze strays to somewhere over his shoulder. “But… Now I’m glad, I think, that this is where we ended up. That this is where _I_ ended up.”

Nico glances behind and sure enough, there’s Reyna. He turns back to Annabeth with a smirk and asks her how’s that working out for her? Bit hypocritical of her to be ragging on him about his love life when she still hasn’t got her own sorted out.

She just tells him to shut up, but not even the menacing glare she gives him can hide the fact that her cheeks are pink.

.

That night Nico drags all his friends to the club as usual, and as usual they tease him and Hazel about not yet being of legal drinking age.

“Soon,” Nico mutters darkly, while Hazel mumbles something about how she doesn’t even like alcohol that much.

They always have a good time, despite the younger two not being able to drink, and tonight is no exception. They dance, and Reyna has everyone staring at her sensual movements, and Annabeth judo throws the idiots who grab her ass, and Nico glowers at anyone who dares to hit on his sister, and Hazel sternly reminds Nico that she’s twenty and doesn’t need a bodyguard, and Percy…

Is, what’s the word, _grinding_ on some random guy. A really hot random guy.

“All right,” Nico hisses at the girls, because he is a concerned and not at all jealous friend. “Which one of you put him up to this?”

Annabeth rolls her eyes, Hazel puts a hand to her mouth to stifle a giggle, and Reyna smirks. Nico instantly knows which one of them is the culprit.

“Really, Hazel?” he demands. “ _Really_?”

Through her giggles, she manages to order, “Go get him, you doofus. Don’t just stand there, go sweep him off his feet.”

Nico spins on his heel, tosses a sharp, “Fine!” over his shoulder and stalks determinedly towards his target.

.

He chickens out, of course. Nico di Angelo does not sweep people off their feet; no, he bides his time and awkwardly pounces when his target least expects it.

“To clarify,” Percy says after he’s been backed into the wall the minute their apartment door is closed behind them, “this is extremely uncomfortable and not at all sexy. Also, whatever the girls might’ve told you I was _not_ dancing with that guy to make you jealous, I was honestly just trying to have a good time.”

It’s the first time either of them has mentioned Percy’s…crush on him out loud, however indirectly.

“And did you?” Nico asks in a soft, deadly voice, unwilling to back down even an inch.

“No,” Percy breathes. His hand moves to touch the sliver of skin peeking out from between Nico’s black T-shirt and his jeans almost unconsciously. “Not that kind of good time, at least.”

Nico leans in closer, lips a hair’s breadth away from Percy’s, and asks him if he wants to have a good time right now.

The hand on Nico’s hip pushes him back.

“You know I do,” Percy says quietly.

“Then why push me away?” Nico demands, frustrated. “What do you _want_ Percy?”

Percy’s eyes dart all over, looking everywhere but directly at Nico, as he counters by asking what _Nico_ wants.

“No,” Nico hisses, getting in Percy’s face again. “We’re not doing that stupid back and forth thing. _What do you want_?”

.

Percy doesn’t answer right away, just stands there, inhaling the air Nico exhales, eyes still wandering as far away from Nico as they can.

Finally, he says, “Whatever you want.”

The response makes Nico glare harder, because this isn’t Percy being considerate. This is what Percy has been spiralling towards since Tartarus. He’s been shrinking in on himself, his guilt slowly chipping away at his self-worth even as he fought all this time to build up Nico’s. (He’s gotten a lot better in the past year or so but he’s still not completely okay, the way Nico is a lot more comfortable in his own skin now but he’s still not completely okay, either.)

When they were younger, Percy had no problem asking him for things—impossible things, like forgiveness for or at least understanding of what happened to Bianca, or getting Hades to fight in the Titan War, or leading the remaining crew of the Argo II to the mortal side of the Doors of Death.

But this, Nico supposes, is different. What Percy wants now is not for the greater good, it’s just for him. It’s taken a while, but Nico’s realized Percy doesn’t know how to be selfish, not where Nico is concerned. Self-absorbed, certainly. Negligent, definitely. Oblivious, obviously. And sometimes even cruel.

But never selfish. Whatever he asked of Nico, it was never just for himself—the fate of the world was always at stake, or the lives of his friends, or even Nico’s own happiness and peace of mind.

So Nico asks Percy a third time what he wants, and puts his hand on Percy’s chin and turns his face so he has no choice but to meet Nico’s eyes.

“You,” Percy finally admits, his voice little more than a trembling whisper. “You’re all I’ve wanted since you came back and the girls tricked us into living together. Maybe even since the night I made you swear on the Styx and let you leave.”

Nico relaxes his grip on Percy’s chin, touches his thumb to the corner of Percy’s mouth, which automatically lifts a little like Percy has no control over it.

“There,” he murmurs. “Was that so hard?”

And then his hand slips along Percy’s jaw, curls around the back of Percy’s neck and pulls him in for a kiss.

.

Predictably, Nico panics when his rush of confidence fades. Percy’s got one hand on his hip, the other cradling his face, and Nico’s hands are under Percy’s shirt until he hurriedly pulls them free.

“Right,” Percy mutters, blowing out a shaky breath. “This was a one-time thing, then?”

He doesn’t even sound surprised, just resigned, and it’s this that makes Nico turn his face and press a kiss to Percy’s palm before it can fall back to his side.

Percy gasps and when Nico whispers, “Just give me some time, okay,” he nods, something a little like wonder in his eyes.

.

As Nico lays in his bed that night, alone, staring up at the ceiling until dawn comes peeking in through his window slats, it occurs to him that he doesn’t want to give Percy anything.

He wants Percy to take it.

* * *

“He’s driving me insane,” Percy tells Reyna loudly as they’re playing Call of Duty on Percy’s crappy old Xbox. He’s not worried about Nico overhearing him, seeing as the other man isn’t here. It’s Jason’s birthday today and they all went to visit him, but unlike Nico, Annabeth and Hazel, Percy and Reyna both elected not to spend the night at Camp Half-Blood. Reyna because of her duties as Praetor, and Percy because… Well, he thought a break from Nico might be nice.

Reyna glances up at the ceiling like, _oh, here we go_ , and asks, with an obvious lack of interest, “How is he driving you insane?”

A better question would be how _isn’t_ he driving Percy insane, but Percy manages to keep his answer fairly short.

“He seems to have developed an allergy to clothes,” he groans. “And personal space. And any sense of boundaries whatsoever.”

Reyna makes a vaguely encouraging noise in response, which is followed by a squeak when Percy adds, “I’ve walked in on him jerking off four times in the last month. One of those times was on the couch.”

“ _This_ couch?” Reyna asks, eyeing the upholstery she’s been sitting on all evening like it’s suddenly going to grow fangs and eat her.

“This couch, Reyna,” Percy says, rolling his eyes. “We only have the one.”

“I hate you so much right now.”

“No, you don’t. I’m your favorite Greek.”

Her second favorite, Percy corrects after that dreamy look creeps into Reyna's eyes, the one she gets when she starts thinking about Annabeth. Percy’s not offended, though. Annabeth’s his favorite Greek, too.

“Is she? What about Nico?”

“He’s my favorite _person_ ,” Percy explains, then rethinks that statement. “Or, he was, before he started driving me _insane_.”

“Because he doesn’t wear a lot of clothing,” Reyna checks, and when Percy nods she continues, “and stands really close to you. And, ah, _pleasures himself_ when you’re likely to stumble across him.”

“Yeah, that’s about right,” Percy says, lifting his Pepsi bottle to his mouth and taking a sip. “What do you think I should do?”

Reyna stares at him like he’s just proved he has a negative IQ.

“Well, fuck him, obviously,” she says flatly.

Percy spurts Pepsi out his nose.

.

Almost two weeks later they’re all gathered at Camp Half-Blood again, this time to celebrate Annabeth’s birthday. It’s a beach party, technically, so normally Percy wouldn’t classify someone wearing nothing but their swim trunks as suspicious behavior, but considering the fact that Nico never actually goes swimming and wouldn’t try to tan if you paid him…

“He’s doing it on purpose,” Percy grumbles to Annabeth as they both stare at Nico’s mostly naked form spread out rather provocatively on his towel in the shade.

“Of course he is,” Annabeth says, and she doesn’t add _you Seaweed Brain_ but he hears it loud and clear all the same.

“Make him stop,” he whines. “He listens to you.”

She snorts, gives him a look that states they both know that’s not true and also, it’s her birthday, he’s supposed to be doing _her_ favors, not the other way around. “Not anymore, he doesn’t. I don’t think he listens to anyone but Hazel these days.”

Percy deflates a little, crosses his arms as he complains, “He said he needed _time_. I was totally fine with that, I am more than willing to wait, but it’s a little difficult when he runs around acting like he’s trying to seduce me!”

“He _is_ trying to seduce you.”

Percy ignores her and continues, “One of these days I’m just going to snap!”

Annabeth takes him by the shoulders and says, very seriously, “Of course you’re going to snap. He _wants_ you to snap.”

He stares back at her dumbly. Nico wants him to snap? he echoes back at her like he’s some kind of parrot.

“Yes,” she says through gritted teeth, shaking him a little, and this time she apparently can’t resist adding, “You _Seaweed Brain_.”

.

Sometime after the sun has set Hazel talks Nico and Percy into taking a walk to a secluded, deserted part of the beach and then cheerfully abandons them there without another word.

Percy gapes at her as she practically skips away, dumbfounded, then turns to Nico, who is still staring after his sister. Percy did not put her up to this, so either Nico did or she’s doing it of her own free will. Or. Annabeth put her up to it because Percy’s whining was ruining her birthday. All are equally plausible options.

“How are you not freezing?” he asks Nico in disbelief when the wind picks up. Percy at least has a T-shirt and a hoodie on and he’s still shivering.

“I am.” And then, with faux innocence, Nico adds, “I don’t suppose you could you warm me up?”

That is a terrible line, and Nico has been driving him crazy for more than a month now (and is the reason Percy’s been an anxious, pining mess for like a year now, or several years depending on how you look at it), and Reyna has a surprisingly vast collection of innuendos that reference the idiom ‘seize the day’ that she keeps dropping into every conversation, and Hazel obviously approves considering she maneuvered him and her brother into a vaguely romantic setting and left them alone together, and Jason and Piper (who know nothing of all the drama between Percy and Nico) were trying to set Nico up with this gorgeous guy from the Hecate cabin earlier, and Annabeth said this was the thing to do and she’s right about everything, so—

So, sue him, he snaps.

.

Percy’s hands are on the waistband of Nico’s swim trunks without any conscious command on his part, his fingers slipping a couple inches under and tugging forcefully, so that their hips crash together before their lips do.

This kiss is not like the one Percy sprung on Nico on New Year’s Eve, and it certainly isn’t like the one they shared a month or so ago. It’s not shallow and brief, not soft and sweet and slow.

It’s furious and messy with maybe too much teeth and saliva, but it’s still somehow the hottest thing that’s ever happened to Percy because there's so much naked skin under his hands and Nico is moaning into his mouth and Percy can feel the hard line of Nico’s cock against his leg and—

Percy pulls away, has to slide a hand up into Nico’s hair and hold him there to prevent him from chasing after Percy.

“Hold on, hold on,” he manages to gasp out. “Are you sure— I mean, you said you needed time—”

“Yeah, and I had time,” Nico snarls, hands slipping under Percy’s shirt, pulling it as far up as he can without Percy’s cooperation. “And now I need _you_ , so unless you can think of a good reason to deny me—”

Percy releases his hold on Nico’s hair, raises his arms above his head and allows Nico to pull his shirt the rest of the way up and over his head. The T-shirt is tossed carelessly over Nico’s shoulder and hopefully lands somewhere in the sand rather than the water. Percy doesn’t bother to check, too busy mouthing at Nico’s neck.

It isn’t long before their swim trunks join Percy’s shirt.

.

All things considered, they’re lucky no unsuspecting camper stumbled across them lying there naked in the sand rutting against each other like animals. They’re also lucky there’s a convenient body of water right next to them that they can use to wash the mess off their bodies, and they’re luckier still that the same body of water didn’t sweep their clothes up in its currents. (That’s not even mentioning the nymphs who would steal their clothes for kicks—it’s not every day you get a chance to mortally embarrass two sons of the Big Three.)

So at least they don’t have to walk back to the party naked and covered in semen, but there’s no hiding the bite marks and their hair is a bit of a lost cause.

Hazel blushes when she sees them and fans herself with one hand, Annabeth and Reyna smirk in an _it’s about damn time_ way, and Jason and Piper…

“Oh my _Gods_! No way!” Jason exclaims, looking back and forth between Nico and Percy, his voice unnaturally high-pitched. “You two— You— Why am I the last to find out about this, OH MY GODS—”

“Jason, love,” Piper says in mild alarm. “We’ve talked about this. Nico’s sex life is his own business.”

“Yeah, but I was trying to set him up with Amir earlier, if I’d known that these two were…” he trails off. Suddenly he pins Percy with a suspicious, protective glare. “What exactly _are_ you two doing?”

He addresses both of them but the question is clearly just for Percy, who has to stop himself from doubling over with uproarious laughter because _Jason Grace_ is asking him about _his intentions_ towards _Nico di Angelo_ —

“Jason, I will kill you,” Nico hisses menacingly, but he’s blushing worse than his sister, and that’s it, there’s no point fighting it.

And maybe Nico will kill both Jason _and_ Percy later but it’s worth it, because Percy’s hysterical cackling makes Annabeth throw her head back and laugh ‘til she cries, and that’s the best birthday gift he could’ve possibly given her.

.

Percy celebrates his own birthday with his parents and all his closest friends at his childhood home. His mother, Hazel, Reyna and Jason bake him a cake, Annabeth, Rachel, Piper, Tyson and Coach Hedge (who even invited him, anyways? Percy better not get another freaky goat statue as a present) decorate the dining room with streamers and balloons, and Paul, Grover, Thalia and Nico distract him with a game of Monopoly in the living room while the cake is in the oven and the decorations are being put up.

“Seriously, what is that smell?” Percy asks, as if he doesn’t already know. “How come no one else is playing? I thought Tyson would want to join, at least. He would destroy us all.”

“I forbid them all from playing,” Thalia says. “I thought I would have a better chance of winning with less people.”

“Clearly you were wrong, seeing as you’re about two turns away from going bankrupt,” Grover says, and yelps when Thalia shocks him.

Paul frowns as he lands on a space with two hotels on it. “I don’t think any of us ever had a chance against Nico.”

Nico shrugs, reminds them his dad _is_ the god of wealth, and then tells Paul to pay up those thousand-plus dollars.

“Next time we’re playing Clue,” Paul decides as he goes bankrupt, and Grover and Thalia both give their assent immediately.

“Or we could play Life,” Percy suggests, because he sucks at Clue just as much as he does at Monopoly and he’s pretty sure the reverse is true for Nico.

Life, on the other hand… Well, none of them have ever quite found out a foolproof strategy for that one, not even Nico.

.

Percy has a great time, despite losing every board game they play and also that disastrous round of Twister with Tyson, Grover and Coach Hedge which all four of them have agreed to never speak of again (though unfortunately, Rachel seems to have filmed the spectacle so he doubts he’ll be able to keep the whole thing quiet forever).

He pretends to be surprised when he’s led into the dining room and a cake is set in front of him, and hugs his mother tight and murmurs a thank you in her ear, kissing her cheek when he pulls back. He thanks the others as well and the rest of the evening is spent eating cake and ice cream and watching Percy open presents. (There is, of course, a creepy little goat statue courtesy of Coach Hedge; Percy thanks him with as much enthusiasm as he can muster, which isn't a whole lot, and avoids looking at either Annabeth or Nico.)

His mother invites pretty much all his friends to stay, but they beg off at around nine and wish Percy one last Happy Birthday before heading back to Camp Half-Blood.

All of them except Nico, that is, but he supposes Nico doesn’t really count as just a friend. What Nico actually is to him, he’s not yet sure. He’s a little afraid to ask.

.

Nico joins him in his old bedroom, plopping down into the desk chair and spinning it to face where Percy is sat on the bed, and for a while they just stay like that, listening to Sally and Paul clean up downstairs.

Finally, Percy asks, “They wouldn’t let you help, either?”

“No.”

Percy casts around for another topic of conversation and finds himself blurting out, “I’m surprised Reyna stayed that long, I thought she’d want to head back to Camp Jupiter before night falls.”

Nico smirks. “Well, she was going to, at least until we reminded her that she managed to spare one whole day for _Annabeth’s_ birthday.”

“I wouldn’t have blamed her. This is her last year as Praetor, after all.”

“Yeah.” Nico leans back in his chair and stairs at the ceiling. “She’s been Praetor for so long, I can’t imagine what the hell they’ll do without her.”

“Cry a lot, probably. They love her,” Percy says, laughing a little. “I only lasted one year before they kicked me out.”

From what he heard, Nico says, Reyna forced him to resign for his own good. Apparently Percy turned into a machine focused entirely on fulfilling his duties rather than taking care of himself.

Percy’s smile vanishes. Nico comes to sit by him on the bed and twines their fingers together.

“I was in a bad state at the time.” Percy hesitates, staring down at their joined hands, and in a voice barely above a whisper adds, “I still am, sometimes. Like, today even… I just can’t stop thinking, here I am turning twenty-four, and Leo and Frank never will. Beckendorf, Silena, your sister… _My_ sister…”

“I get it, Percy, believe me.” Nico squeezes his hand.

And it’s true; he does get it, probably better than almost anyone else would because he’s never going to be 100% okay, either.

But sometimes they’re pretty damn close, and as Nico leans in and kisses him breathless, Percy thinks maybe it’s all right to let now be one of those times.

.

He almost takes it back when his mother comes up the stairs and tells them through the door that she hopes they used protection.

“I’m dead,” Percy declares after she and Paul have disappeared into their bedroom. “I’ve died of embarrassment.”

“Is it bad that I don’t even feel the slightest bit of remorse?” Nico asks. “I’ve wanted to blow you in your bedroom while you try to keep quiet so your mom doesn’t hear since I was, like, twelve.”

“ _Twelve_?” That seems a little young to Percy.

“Okay fine, eleven,” Nico admits, nearly giving Percy heart palpitations. “That night I showed up on your fire escape…”

“You came in for cake and ice cream,” Percy recalls after he manages to recover from his shock. “Gods, that was almost ten years ago.”

“Yeah,” Nico murmurs, fingers absently tracing Percy’s jawline. “I was a horny little shit, huh?”

Percy nearly chokes, then turns his face into Nico’s shoulder to muffle his hysterical laughter.

“So, in other words,” Percy concludes when he’s finally calmed down, “I just fulfilled your decade-long fantasy of giving me head in my childhood bedroom on my birthday after eating blue cake and ice cream.”

“Yup.”

“Is that my good deed for the year? Do I still have to get you a Christmas present, or—” Nico elbows his gut viciously, which is enough to stop him from speaking but not from wheezing out a few more chuckles.

“You are the worst boyfriend ever, I swear,” Nico complains, and Percy perks up immediately and teases, “So I’m your boyfriend now, am I?”

Nico stares back at him very seriously and says yes, they are boyfriends now, and Percy softens his smile—he sees that flash of vulnerability in Nico’s dark eyes, so no way is he going to treat this like a joke—and says, sincerely, “Good.”

.

Months pass, and Percy learns new things about Nico every day and he makes sure to remember them all, almost catalogues them in his brain: this is the protesting noise Nico makes when Percy takes too long to add another finger, this is the gasping sound that escapes him when Percy uses his tongue, this is the way he falls apart when Percy tells him he can have absolutely anything he wants, this is the smile that steals onto his face when an extremely tired Percy collapses against him in the mornings while he’s brewing coffee, this is the gentle pressure of his hand on Percy’s back when he just wants to say _I’m here_ , this is the light that creeps into his eyes when Percy dozes off in his lap while he strokes his fingers through Percy’s hair…

There are other things, too, the not so good things: the way he screams himself awake after a nightmare and won’t let Percy touch him even when his eyes are practically begging for it, the way he almost never tells Percy if something makes him uncomfortable when they’re fooling around even though Percy repeatedly asks whether or not he’s okay with what Percy’s doing or about to do, the way he shrinks in on himself a little whenever Percy says _I love you_ as if he’s not sure he deserves to hear it…

To put it simply, he just won’t tell Percy when something is wrong, let alone what that something is. It drives Percy crazy, and they argue about it sometimes—one fight is so bad Nico shadow travels to Camp Half-Blood and stays there for a week; Percy turns into a pathetic mess and depends on Hazel and Annabeth to console him for the first couple days before getting his act together and trying to figure out a way to apologize, which takes him the remainder of the week—but that’s at least better than ignoring the issue like it’ll randomly resolve itself one day.

The more days that pass, the more Nico seems to realize that.

.

“It just feels so breakable,” Nico says abruptly one rainy afternoon when they’re too lazy to get out of bed.

“It?” Percy probes, one hand gentle on Nico’s hip, the other combing through Nico’s hair.

“This,” he says, gesturing between the two of them with the hand that’s not tracing nonsensical shapes on Percy’s stomach. “ _Us_.”

“Does it?” Percy murmurs. “I feel breakable a lot of the time, but I feel it less when I’m with you.”

Nico asks, “Really?” in this small voice like he’s worried Percy’s lying to make him feel better, so Percy kisses his shoulder and promises, “Really.”

.

“But don’t you ever wonder, sometimes, how in the hell we ended up here?” Nico asks at least half an hour later. They’re still tangled up together in the sheets. “I had a crush on you and then I got over it and then we became friends and then I fell in love with you—”

“You fell in you with me?” Percy interrupts, grinning, unable to contain himself because how long has he been waiting to hear those words? When Nico glares at him, he says contritely, “Sorry, please continue.”

Percy must be radiating joy, or something, because Nico’s glare softens and he repeats, “I fell in love with you. After _everything_. And I just keep thinking, it’s so bizarre that we ended up here because about a thousand things could’ve happened differently— _should’ve_ happened differently—but they didn’t, and here we are.”

“You mean Frank,” Percy guesses in a choked whisper. “If he hadn’t died, you would’ve stayed with that Irish Iris ex of yours.”

Nico snorts a little at the deliberate alliteration (Percy’s pitiful attempt at lightening the mood), says yeah, exactly. If Frank hadn’t died Nico wouldn’t come back to America permanently to be with his sister.

“I’d give you up in a heartbeat, if it could bring Frank back,” Nico admits, and it hurts but Percy understands.

He loves Nico. Being with Nico makes him happier than he’s ever been. But his happiness isn’t more important than someone’s life, especially Frank’s life. Even _Nico’s_ happiness isn’t more important than the future Frank could’ve had.

So Percy understands. It still hurts, though. It hurts, to know that their happiness came at such a price. (It hurts, to know that Nico would give them up because sometimes Percy’s not sure he could, even to get Frank back, and it makes him feel guilty as hell.)

“But,” Nico says hesitantly, brushing his fingers across Percy’s cheek. “But…if it was just a choice between the future I could’ve had with that Iris boy and the future I can have now with you… I’d choose you in a heartbeat. Maybe I would’ve chosen differently when I was younger, but. Now it’s, it’s— I can’t imagine it being anyone but you—”

His voice is starting to shake and so are the fingers on Percy’s cheek, so Percy kisses him and lifts his hand to hold Nico’s steady.

And he thinks to himself, they can definitely do this. They can keep each other steady.

.

January 28, 2018. Nico’s 21st birthday.

Percy’s known Nico for more than ten years now. For the first three, he didn’t even know when the kid’s birthday was, nor did he care to. The next year, he knew but he couldn’t do much more than ask Hazel and Jason to pass on his well wishes to the birthday boy who wasn’t answering Percy’s Iris Messages. The year after, he found Nico drowning on purpose and even if he tried, he’d never be able to forget—he doesn’t try, because it’s something he needs to remember no matter how much it hurts. The following two years Percy had no idea where Nico was and needed a silly tradition to keep him from going out of his mind with worry. The year after that, Frank died. And last year…last year was awkward, and painful, and Frank was everywhere he turned but he tried to make the best of it and ended up accidentally scaring Nico off instead.

This year, the people Nico loves most in the world gather around the tiny kitchen table in Percy and Nico’s cramped apartment and sing Happy Birthday to a loudly protesting son of Hades. They make him blow out the candles and they eat the cake Reyna and Jason baked.

They’re all thinking of Frank, a little, but they talk about it, and Leo, and they say things like, “Frank would’ve laughed at this,” or “Leo would’ve set this on fire,” and it heals more than it hurts.

At some point, Nico disappears into his bedroom—which is more like a guest room now, ever since Percy’s room essentially became _theirs_ , but still has some of his stuff—and then reappears in the doorway with a digital camera in his hands.

He discreetly snaps a picture of Hazel, Piper and Jason all sandwiched together on the couch, laughing. Snaps another of Annabeth and Reyna curled up together in a nest of blankets and pillows on the floor, kissing. Snaps a final picture of Percy leaning against the wall staring back at him, smiling.

He tosses the camera back onto his bed and comes to stand in front of Percy, melts into him easily. Percy puts his arms around his boyfriend, and as he watches their friends over Nico's shoulder, so happy in the moment, he hopes this is the start of a new tradition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter had a lot more light-hearted moments than the previous two did, I think. Still, overall it was a bit depressing to make Nico and Percy so miserable in this story. I'm writing kidfic next time, okay, I want happy, one-big-family fluff.
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoyed the fic and I hope you're all having a wonderful day!


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